[Header Image Description: A stock image of a yellow German post box]
A (long) while ago, a post was going around on Twitter that asked people “what app is most useful to your sex life?” A lot of people said sensible things like period trackers and medication reminders. Some people named social media apps, and at least one person said PayPal. The first app that came to mind for me was Etsy, because that’s where I buy most of my impact gear lately. After a bit of further thought, though, I realized that the app that genuinely benefits my sex life the most is the AusPost app. I’ve been listening to a lot of the Wonderful! Podcast, where each week, the two hosts discuss two things they think are wonderful, and it’s encouraged me to think about things in my life that bring me a bit of happiness.
For my international readers, I just want to warn you that the next few paragraphs are going to be incredibly Australian-centric, but your postal service might offer some of the things that I mention below! This is not a review, as such – I don’t know enough about technology to review an app – but instead an explanation of my perhaps unconventional usage of a vanilla app for my sex life!
The AusPost app is the official app of Australia Post, and when I received a tracking number for one of my birthday presents, I was prompted to download the app. I’ve never had sex with a postal worker, but the AusPost app has facilitated some great sex in the year or so that I’ve been using it. That’s because almost everything that I receive via post is sex related, disability related, or both. The most obvious use of the AusPost app, then, is to track different internet orders that I’ve placed, and plan my sexscapades accordingly. If I know that my order of lube is scheduled to arrive tomorrow, I won’t skimp on it tonight. If my flogger that I ordered from the Ukraine has just reached Australian Customs, I’m going to amp up my search for a local impact top. Plus, it’s just fun to open the app and count down the days until an anticipated item is delivered. It’s so exciting to head home from uni with the knowledge that my new vibrator will be sitting on my doorstep when I get there.
After I had had the app for a few weeks, I started to use the other features that it offered. My parents, who I used to live with, are very sex negative, and would absolutely flip their shit if they knew just how many sex toys I’ve acquired over the past few years. My mum found my collection when it was a quarter of the size that it is now, and literally did not speak to me for a week. So, I could only really post sex toys to my parents’ place if I was absolutely sure that I would get the parcel before they were home. If that wasn’t an option, I would have to post it to a friend and then go out of my way to pick it up from their house. The AusPost app has the perfect solution to this problem, though, and I wish I could have been using it for much longer than I have been. They have temporary parcel lockers spread throughout the country, usually near central locations like train stations and shopping centres. You find the parcel locker location that is most convenient for you, and the app gives you a personalized locker number that you use like an ordinary postal address. This locker number is specific to you, and your app will automatically place parcels going to that locker onto your tracking list. You have 48 hours to pick up your parcel after it is delivered, after which it will be moved to the nearest post office. When it’s time to pick up your parcel, all you need to do is type in a code that you receive by SMS or email, or scan a QR code from your phone, and the locker that your parcel is in pops open. The best part about parcel lockers are that they’re open 24/7, so you can pick up your parcel at a time that is convenient to you. That means I don’t have to rush to the post office before 5pm, because I can pick up my parcel whenever I get around to it. Another little hack that I’ve discovered is that, because your locker number is personalized, Australia Post will track parcels to that locker once they have reached an Australia Post courier, even if the sender hasn’t included parcel tracking with the shipping.
Another option, especially if you don’t have a parcel locker nearby, is to send the parcel straight to your post office. Again, you’re given a personalized number that you input like an address, and your parcel tracking appears on your app automatically. This is really useful for me in a lot of ways. My new house doesn’t actually have it’s own mailbox – such is the life of renting in Sydney – and the nearest parcel lockers are a bit out of my way. The post office, however, is about a 2 minute walk away, so I can just roll over to the post office and collect my parcel when it arrives. At the time of writing, I’m on a trip out of town, and I’m expecting a parcel, so I’ve decided to send it straight to the post office and pick it up next week, when I’m home. This would also be a good option for people who want to send items to an address other than their home address, but need to sign for the parcel to collect it.
These remote parcel collection options are something to think about if you want to retain a bit of anonymity. Whilst each parcel must be addressed to your full legal name, you can send it to any post office or parcel locker that you want, so you could send it to a different suburb to the one that you lived in. Anonymity is not something that I am particularly concerned about, but the small amount of privacy was still a comfort.
This little post office app has made my sex life surprisingly easier, and I hope that you can find something similar where you live, or jump on the AusPost App bandwagon if you live in the land down under.